MY RANT

                MY RANT-WARNING IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS, TOO BAD, UNFRIEND ME OR DONT READ. I AM TIRED OF BEING WHO EVERYONE WANTS ME TO BE!    Being a  Christian doesn’t mean I have to do everything right.   I don’t have to make all the right decisions, I don’t have to make all the right choices, I don’t have to measure up to other peoples standards of what I should act like to be a proper Christian.  Ask yourself to consider walking a mile in someone elses shoes before you judge them based on their behavior.  Only Jesus knows our hearts.  I am so sick and tired of religious Christians who judge other Christians and non-Christians based on their performance.  And do so with the tag that  “I’m only speaking the truth in love” “God wanted me to tell you” and “I just wanted to help you in your walk”.  Behaving like this is to behave like a Pharisee.  Do you recall what Jesus thought of the Pharisees? He loved the Prostitutes and the tax collectors, but was disgusted by Pharisees.  Have you taken any time to think or care about the heart of the matter….LOVE, the love of God changes people. NOT YOU! So many people walk around with Christian titles and yet rarely live up to the biblical responsibility and accountability that comes with this position and can sometimes only be interested in your ability to perform and have “vision” and somehow forget about you. And as far as ministry in concerned sometimes the flock are those who should be served by the Shepard, not the other way around, look at Jesus as our example. You may tell yourself that your “helping” (really?) Never considering someone may be suffering and going through a tough time, so their behavior could be an indicator of a broken heart.  NOT because they don’t love Jesus, NOT because they are being punished for their sins, simply because we live in a fallen world. If you’ve never been tried by the fires of persecution and heartbreaking tribulation HURTING PEOPLE DO NOT WANT YOUR ADVICE. The last thing they need is religion or judgement, Or the 5 steps to being a better Christian. And they NEVER EVER need pat Christian statements and “Christianese” to help them. The bible reminds us to consider the fact that we shouldn’t try to take the spec out of our brothers eye, when we have a HUGE log in our own. Guess what I am a Christian and I’m ANGRY! Myself and my family have been through hell and back! And for the most part “the church” has abandoned and judged us without ever caring beyond what they could attain for themselves based on our giftings.  They have become the source of unending pain and anguish on top of what we were already going through. Did I mention I was angry? Jesus can handle my anger and my pain and in His grace and mercy my bad attitude right now. He knows my heart and those of my Husband and children. He is there for us when Christians who are supposed to be more above reproach treat us worse than our enemies. I am sick, sick, sick, and when I’m not sick I am tired. I am sick and tired of this, and God doesn’t care if I feel this way, He understands and loves me anyway.

To ponder upon...This Valentines Day By Melissa St. James

To ponder upon...This Valentines Day By Melissa St. James

The smell of sweet summer rain, the caress of the warm sun on your cheek after the rage of the tempest, the sweetness of a ripened fresh strawberry, the whisper of the wind rushing through the trees, the tiny fingers of a newborn babe, the bliss and passion of a tender kiss from the one you love.  None of these things would be as special if we had not experienced being without them, if we don’t know what it’s like to have the hard dry cracked dusty land of drought we could never experience the fullness of summer rain, if there were no dark storm clouds hiding the sun we could never appreciate its warmth, its glow, if we've never tasted what is bad, foul or sour we could never appreciate the pleasure of tasting something sweet.  If there were no stagnant, still, heavy days, we could never appreciate the power and the refreshing presence of the wind.  If there were no hope in death, nothing to expect when we are done with lives toil, when it ends, how could we appreciate the wonder, the miracle and fragility of the newness of life as it begins.  If we have never been lonely and longed for someone to desire us, to really love us, a kiss could never be as wonderfully pleasing or satisfying as it is.  In much the same way, if we were never dissatisfied we would never need God to satisfy us.  That which is truly wonderful and desired by us couldn’t be as wonderful if we had not ever gone without it.  It would just be ordinary.  Our deepest longings and desires can only be satisfied by the one who is the lover of our souls.  No person, no thing can ever satisfy all that He can.  He loves us with a love that we cannot comprehend, for it is a spiritual thing, an infinite thing that our finite minds cannot comprehend.  No person will be able to fulfill all of our needs no matter how great their intent.  We are a fallen people with a fallen nature and simply in our humanity we will fail despite our greatest efforts to fulfill someones needs.  God doesn’t allow it.  He loves us enough to not allow another person to be on the alter of our worship, though we can try and place them there.  God loves us enough to have us become dissatisfied, that He may satisfy us. This Valentines Day I am reminded what real true love is, it is Jesus.  Him and Him alone.  Jesus be my pursuer, my passion, my desire, my love.  So then in the overflow of your love will I love those who are dear to me.  So that my love will not be a selfish love, a self protecting love but a vulnerable love, because my trust is in you.  Amen

You love this beautiful mess...me

     Well it's been a while for sure, God has really been doing some amazing things in my life.  All by Himself with out my help.  I am just so in awe of where I am, physically, financially and spiritually compared to where I was a year ago.  God has chosen to bless me beyond measure and I am so humbled and grateful. He spoke this scripture to my heart before I ever moved to Montana, in Ephesians 3:20  it says" Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."Jesus is my life, the heart that beats within my chest.  He accomplishes in my life things far beyond my ability or expectations, He truly is my strength.
       I had spent a good part of my life being a "good girl" and trying and striving and trying and striving to do the right thing.  That in and of itself is not the problem, its not a bad thing to want to do the right thing.  However, my motivation was to do this to keep God happy with me.  To win His favor.  What I did was have a great religious system.  I am saddened because in the church today so many others also have this system of "Christianity".  It's largely driven by fear and behaviors.  Thankfully God doesn't look at that, but looks at the heart.  There are some scriptures about this, in Isaiah 29:13 The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men and in Mark 7:6 Jesus says "Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: "'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.      
     In our human nature we try to create a system of how to do Christianity.  It cannot be done.  Only God can work through you to sanctify you, and transform you.  That is why so many people in the "world" find Christianity distasteful and judgemental, because we make up man made rules for ourselves, for our church bodies and then, impose those on others, causing us to seem superior, because of our outward behavior.  I have found that Jesus is so loving, so compassionate that He knows our brokenness, and He is quite aware of our humanity, He sees us as a beautiful mess, regardless of how we view ourselves.  After all He made us.  He does not want us to be self-sufficient, He wants us to go to Him for all we need.  I have found that when I was in my darkest hours, for I indeed have walked through the valley of the shadow, when I was full of doubts and fears and I was angry and depressed...God was ever so near, He held me up, and brought me to higher ground.  All the appropriation in the world couldn't do this for me.  Endless speaking of His word, although comforting to hear but chanting over and over His promises did not bring me to His heart.  It only caused me to work harder and feel more abandoned when my prayer wasn't answered the way I thought it should be.  We live in a fallen world where Gods purposes are served even when we cannot understand this side of eternity.  We have to stop putting God in a box.  We as the church of Jesus Christ can pray for people, but we need to let them know, sometimes the answer this side of eternity is No, but that doesn't mean He doesn't love us.  He just has a much grander plan and perspective.  He allows our brokenness to cause us to reach for the God that NEVER LETS GO of us.  Thank you Jesus for keeping me.  We could never keep ourselves! and we can never give back something that was never in us to get.  Our salvation is secure in the sovereign God of the universe, not in our human strength, nor our ability or appropriation.  If the church would preach the message of grace, the amazing grace of Jesus, so many more of the lost would be drawn in by the unmerited favor of God doing things in us that we could never do ourselves.  Jesus, I ask you to give an illumination of your grace and sovereignty to my readers hearts.  Show them that you love them and they are completely and utterly unable to keep themselves, and that you alone, can keep them and love them, open their hearts to your never ending love, in Jesus name Amen

Stressed out!

    Wretched stress!  I hate it/  How many times have we heard.  Stress is bad for you,  Stress causes innumerable health problems.  Blah blah blah.  What I want to know is how...in Gods name do we control it?  I know God is in control.  I know He has good plans for me.  I know I have to "give it to God".  But, I don't feel like I'm worried.  And yet my body responds with headaches and an array of MS symptoms in response to it.  So what am I to do?  This is extremely frustrating to me.  Because when I don't feel well, my focus it to just try and make it through the day.  Especially when I am in pain.  Its very difficult to focus on much else.  Headache pain is the worst!   Since no matter what I do I can't escape it.  The kind of headaches I get are cluster headaches, often referred to as "suicide headaches" so I am sure you can deduce the severity of them by the name.  They last 4-7 days and wake me up at night.  So sleep doesn't even help.  So in my human nature I try to not get stressed.  What a joke!  Since when I do this, I just "stuff" my feelings and the symptoms escalate!  However when I express them, I still end up with the same result!  Well, this post does not have the answer to how to control stress.  I wish I knew.  This life is a journey and a learning process.  I do know that like in Keith Greens song, Make My Life A Prayer To You- it says "oh, its so hard to see, when my eyes are on me".  This is what I have been reflecting on most of the day today.  I can't see anything of worth or value when I am so focused on myself.  It truly is a matter of perspective to be able to view each moment differently than you previously had.  I seem to always be trying to figure out how medically best to alleviate the problem.  I think my perspective should more be how to ask God to help me deal with it.  I can't stop myself from being stressed out or reacting to it.  But God, as my friend Dan likes to say, in His (Gods) infinite wisdom can.
     Paul says in Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"  I long to have faith like that.  Paul also says in Philippians 4^:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  I know we all know this scripture, but we need to really meditate on what it means.  Why oh why do I not go to Jesus FIRST! most often I go to the medicine cabinet.  Medicines are great when needed for sure, I am not talking about not using medicine.  I am talking about seeking God first to see what He would have me do.  Then being led by the Holy Spirit do whatever.  We cannot not be anxious, unless we are in His presence which will enable us not to be anxious.  By praying and thanking Him and asking Him for help in our pain or suffering, we will have His peace.  It doesn't mean the pain or suffering will be gone, although it can be.  It means that we have His peace and His strength to go through it.  So that anxiety and fear that comes with stress, will just melt away.
Dear Jesus please help my friends who are suffering with anything from stress to physical ailments.  Help them go to you FIRST, so that Your peace and strength may be with them.  Show them how best to handle each of their individual circumstances.  In Your holy name, Amen.

Good Grief!

      We are hurt, our heart aches or is broken in two.  We lose someone we love, much too soon.  We mourn.  We lose a relationship.  We mourn.  We lose our freedom and go to jail.  We mourn.  We lose our health.  We mourn.  We lose a job and financial security.  We mourn.  We all go through the stages of grief no matter what the loss.  If you ever took lifespan Psychology in college your probably familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-ross.  She defines the stages of grief/mourning in her model as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  These are not in chronological order, we all experience them in different ways and at different times and for different reasons.    Grief is a process that brings us to the end of ourselves.  It doesn't feel good, but in the end grief is good.  Without that process we could never get over a loss.  In Matthew 5:4 Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted"  Jesus Himself will comfort us when no one else can.

   People are uncomfortable with a grief stricken person, and many try in vain to help and instead only make the grieving person feel worse, less holy, or even more alienated.  Some people quote those "catch phrase" scriptures, give pat answers and a quick little "Jesus loves you", with a smile.  These responses are almost abhorrent to a person who is grieving.  No real help for a person during their most painful times.  They need something real, something solid to hold onto.  No special prayers, no special trips to the alter, no special scriptures.  The Lord Jesus.  That is Who they need.

    The first time I got a Diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, my world went on full tilt.  I loved God, I loved Jesus.  Why would He punish me like this?  All I could see were the myriad of patients I had taken care of as a Nurse over the years, in various stages of losing control of their body.  First I denied I had the disease, because by "faith" I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  I quoted scripture day and night to no avail, I still had the dreaded thing.  I have come to realize with God there is just no formula we can use to get what we want, or to get the answer we want to a prayer.  I then became angry at God, why me? (now, I wonder, why not me) All this pain! All this lack of feeling, trouble walking! ARG! My bargaining wasn't so much asking God for more time as it was to ask Him please to use this for my good and His glory, although when I first said it, there was not much conviction in it I must admit.  I became depressed.  All I wanted to do was medicate myself from the pain and escape the reality of the situation.  I had gotten so tired of people ushering me to the alter to get healed.  I finally realized God could heal me right in my bed or on my couch if He so chose.  But why didn't He? yet (I am still alive, so there's time if He wants).  I finally came to acceptance.  But not the kind people in the world have.  Where they become their disease and it envelops their lives.  You know the kind of person that all they can talk about is their "condition" That actually makes me nuts!  But, I pray God will give me the patience to love on those people as well, because its only by His grace that I have a renewed perspective. 
    My acceptance came like this.  God wanted me to look at what was in front of me-Multiple Sclerosis, Lyme Disease, Fibromyalgia.  Then look at what the Doctors said "Your brain is like Swiss cheese".  Well they told me I had multiple lesions/holes on my brain so that's what I heard.  They told me that I was functioning at a much higher level than they expected with someone who had an MRI like mine.  When I looked at that, as a Nurse, I knew that the grace of God was the only thing sustaining me.  I came to terms with the fact that God knew better than me, what was best for me and my family, and was using my health or lack their of on a number of different levels.  I now have a greater compassion for the patients I take care of.  I have been where they are!  I know what it feels like to be in pain and to be afraid.
  Through this trial, I have come to realize how much I need Jesus and need to rely on Him.  I wouldn't trade anything in the world for that knowledge, because I KNOW he's real.  I cannot know if I would've needed Him or known Him as well without losing my health.  If I'd had a choice ahead of time I am sure this is not the way I would've chosen.  But here in the midst of these things I am content !  I am so very blessed that He chose me to use! for 2 Corinthians 12:9 say “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  It has taken me years of fervent prayer, heart full of anguish and many tears to come to this conclusion.  So I don't expect everyone to be where I am.  I just want everyone to know no matter what your going through that Jesus is real, and He loves you.  He can handle your hurts, He knows what they are.  He can handle your anger, He is a BIG, BIG GOD! He made you, He knows you.
Dear Jesus please bless my readers Lord, that whatever trial or painful event they are dealing with, comfort them in their pain and anguished hearts.  Fill their lives with your love and your peace.  Help them to be real with You about how they feel about You and the pain they have or are experiencing.  Let them leave their hurts at Your feet, let them lay their burdens down, and give them the peace of God that passes all understanding, in Jesus name, Amen.

You want me to wash their feet? (thoughts on attitude and forgiveness)

   It's so hard when your treated unfairly to have a super attitude about it.  I often find myself spinning down that spiral.  You know that place where more and more angry thoughts and unpleasant words and feelings feed my hurt.  I justify myself.  I did not deserve this, who do "they" think "they" are. (who ever they may be)  Especially if I did not do anything to deserve the mistreatment.  Now nobody likes to be treated badly, it hurts, our feelings and our pride.  We in our human nature want to defend ourselves and have the other person see how they have hurt us. See where they are wrong.  But as we look at the offense, what they have done to us, we begin to judge them.  All the while complaining we are being judged.  If God is sovereign and we know He is, then He alone has allowed whatever the misdeed was to occur.  Now He is not the author or originator of the sin, but He in His divine wisdom allows whatever He wills.  For our good and His glory, though we may never know this side of eternity what the reasons are. 
   Ah the glorious body of Christ.  A place of safety, of refuge, of peace and love right?  It should be, but often times its not.  Our expectations of others in the body are higher than those of people in the world.  We expect "church" people to be above reproach.  What about leaders in the body?  Now this is a touchy subject.  When leaders hurt us, we can be doubly hurt, pretty dumbfounded and disillusioned.  Should these people be held to a higher standard? Yes.  Does it mean they will behave that way? No.  People are people are people.  We all in our human nature have our issues, leaders or not.  But we have to remember that church or people in it are not God.  People are going to let us down, no matter how much or how little they love us.  Simply because they are imperfect people.  Just like you, and just like me.  God sees their hearts and He sees ours, and we will all be judged accordingly. By God, not each other.  Thank God.  He has an infinite amount of grace and mercy that you and I do not possess apart from him.
   In John 13:34 Jesus says "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. ³⁵ By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”  They will know we are Jesus' disciples by our love for one another? wait.  Isn't it true we probably have more compassion on the malnourished bum on the street corner than the person sitting several pews in front of us, in a dress a little to short.
    As Julie stood at the alter one crazy rushed Sunday morning, finally breathing a sigh of relief, she was on time for worship, today would be a blessed day.  Sue a pious older woman found the time and quite frankly the nerve to walk up to her playing with a piece of her shoulder length hair and say to Julie "its a shame your hair hasn't grown long enough to cover your cleavage".  Now Julie loved the Lord desperately.  She had a hard working Husband, 3 children, a job, a house to clean and no time or money to go buy new clothes, and the clothes she wore were not inappropriate, though Julie was very beautiful.  Tears sprang immediately into Julies eyes, and she ran to the bathroom.  What Sue never knew was that Julie spent all of her life feeling rejected by the women in her life.   To make matters worse, she had a disease named alopecia.  This meant she had no hair. The beautiful hair on her head, that so many woman were jealous of was a wig.  Her hair would never, could never grow. There could tend to be more backbiting , deep hurts and judgemental, critical words from those who go to church than those who don't.  This is a shame.  What a bad example we have become!
   In John 13,  I read this and it made me weep.  Thinking about my own attitude toward people that have hurt me, or treated me unjustly.
 So when He had washed their feet, taken His garments, and sat down again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? ¹³ You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. ¹⁴ If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. ¹⁶ Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. ¹⁷ If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.
  Jesus washed all of their feet.  Knowing who would betray him.  Knowing who would deny him and yet he loved them in their filth and dirt, and cleansed them. Humbly he washed their feet.  To some of you this may seem impossible, but its the Lords strength that enables us to pray for those who persecute us, and to do good to them.  We need to wash our neighbors feet.  Literally if that's what God calls you to do, but figuratively for most of us.  We need to love them, those who we call our fellow believers.  Love them in their filth and grime, just like we would love and do good to those who do not know the Lord, in order that they may see Christ in us.  We need to accept that ALL of us have our own dirt, and sometimes it makes us harder to love.  But Jesus loves us, so we need to love each other.  The Lord says we will be blessed if we do those things.  Now we are not to do these things to be blessed, but know as we sacrifice and look to Jesus for our strength to love and forgive, He will bless us. 
Lord thank you for this illumination of your holy word.  Thank you for revealing to me the error of my ways.  Help anyone who reads this to be able to with your strength to love and forgive whomever they need to in their life.  In your word you say in Luke 12:48 For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more. So you have opened my eyes to this, help me with your strength be able to walk in it.  Amen